Vampires and Wizards Unite to Save the World
by Writting2StayHalfSane
Summary: Harry Potter/Twilight crossover. They unite to save the world from the VV club...and make total fools of themselves in the process. Crack!fic.
1. The Change

_AN: I will soon post a chart of who turns into who on my profile so it'll be easier to understand. _

Chapter One: The Change

Part One: Vampires

"All right then," said Fudge. "You have your instructions. Drink the potions. Remember: the whole world is depending on you." With a loud popping noise he disappeared.

"This cannot be good for our health," Carlisle said, starring disgustedly down at the potion in his hands, which looked very much like tapioca pudding.

"But dear," said Esme lovingly. "You heard that Fudge fellow. The whole world is depending on _us_."

"OH! This stuff tastes like crap!" hollered Emmett who had just downed his potion. His muscles were shrinking and his hair was turning a very bright shade of red.

"Look dear," Esme said. "The potion did exactly what the minister said they would."

"And taste like crap…" Emmett mumbled.

Esme gave him a stern look. "Just drink it, dear."

"I still think it can't be good for our health," Carlisle said, but he consented, drank the potion and shuddered.

"I told you! Don't say I didn't tell you! Because I did tell you. It tastes like crap doesn't it?!" exclaimed Emmett.

Carlisle didn't answer Emmett. He was too busy watching what was happening to him. His figure was shrinking and, although he couldn't see it, his already blonde hair was getting even lighter. Finally he said, "Yuck. Well, it isn't pleasant but I think its safe."

The others exchanged glances, except Emmett who was pulling out red hairs to examine, and each drank their potions. Rosalie's long blonde hair went frizzy and she shrunk a few inches. Jasper grew a beard as his faces aged a couple dozen years. Alice got taller and her short hair grew longer. A scar appeared on Edwards's forehead, and Bella's chocolate brown hair turned red to match Emmett's. Jacobs prominent muscles softened and his hair shortened.

The Esme screamed. "I'm a stinky oily-haired, middle aged…man. I'm a man!" And then she did something no one expected her to do. Esme swore. Very loudly. "Well, damn."

And everyone else laughed.

Chapter One: The Change

Part Two: Wizards

"You know what to do. You know what the stakes are." Fudge said then dissapperated.

All the wizards gathered here were familiar with the potion and many had even taken it before. Without much hesitation they all brought their cups to their lips and drank.

Each shuddered in disgust as they began changing. Harry's scar disappeared. Ron's red hair turned brown as his lanky arms built muscle. Hermione's hair darkened and shot back into her skull. Malfoy got taller, Neville more muscular. Luna and Ginny got a bit taller, and Ginny's bright red hair turned a dark brown. Dumbledore's hair got shorter and he seemed to age in reverse.

Then Snape, greasy, oily-haired, bitter, old Snape screamed like a girl. Because he now was one.

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**Hope you liked it. Hopefully Chapter Two will be up tommorrow. Be ready for some good laughs. REVIEW! Thanks.**


	2. Some Things Shouldn’t Be Said Aloud

Chapter Two: Some Things Shouldn't Be Said Aloud

Part I

"There is no way I'm going out _there _looking like _this_!" Esme screamed as Carlisle attempted to tug her out the door.

"Dear," Carlisle said soothingly. "We've got to. That man in the hideous green hat told us so. The _whole _world is depending on us."

Esme huffed, "I don't care. As long as I am a man I am not, and I repeat not, going anywhere."

"Anywhere?" Carlisle said in a suggestive tone. "Not even to the…most magical place on Earth?!"

Everyone started backing away slowly, fearing what the might witness next.

"What?" asked Carlisle. "What did I say?"

Esme whispered something in his ear.

"Oh! No…you thought…no! I was talking about Hogwarts!"

"Hold the phone!" shouted Alice. "First, I thought DisneyLand was the most magical place on Earth. Second, what the heck is Hogwarts?"

Emmett held his cell phone high up in the air and began giggling madly.

Alice rolled her eyes at him. "You didn't have to take it literally Em. But seriously. What is Hogwarts?"

Emmett rolled hiseyes at Alice. "The magic school these people go to, duh! It said all about it in the instruction manual."

Eight people turned to look at him. "There was an instruction manual?"

"Yeah," he said. "The man told me I should pass them…oh…Uh…" he laughed nervously. "About that…"

"Emmett," said Rosalie in a falsely sweet voice. "Where are the instruction manuals?"

"Oh, I got bored and I…Um…I don't have them anymore…" he said quickly, hiding what could have the world's largest paper doll chain behind his back.

"Really?" said Edward. "How do you suppose we know what to do, now?"

"What I always do. Just wing it!"

Everyone glared at him.

"And…uh…listen to my overly long story about what I read in the manuals!" He went in to a long, and mostly pointless story, which mostly was comprised of the words: 'Magic', 'Hogwarts', 'Wizards' 'Boarding School' and 'Sorrydon'tkillmeifeelbadaboutthemanuals'.

"You mean to tell me that I am the headmaster?" Jasper asked.

"Yes?"

"And I'm a Potions Master?" Esme clarified.

"Yes?"

"And I am nut that has no friends?!" Rosalie screamed.

Emmett laughed. "Yeah, that one I'm sure of."

Emmett, afraid of what might happen next if they stayed here, quickly lead the way to Kings Cross Station. Thinking all the while to himself, _Some things really shouldn't be said out loud. _

_A/N: Okay, I was really, really hyper when this was written. Hope you guys enjoy it!_


	3. Part II

Chapter Two: Some Things Shouldn't Be Said Aloud

Part I

"There is no way I'm going out _there _looking like _this_!" Esme screamed as Carlisle attempted to tug her out the door.

"Dear," Carlisle said soothingly. "We've got to. That man in the hideous green hat told us so. The _whole _world is depending on us."

Esme huffed, "I don't care. As long as I am a man I am not, and I repeat not, going anywhere."

"Anywhere?" Carlisle said in a suggestive tone. "Not even to the…most magical place on Earth?!"

Everyone started backing away slowly, fearing what the might witness next.

"What?" asked Carlisle. "What did I say?"

Esme whispered something in his ear.

"Oh! No…you thought…no! I was talking about Hogwarts!"

"Hold the phone!" shouted Alice. "First, I thought DisneyLand was the most magical place on Earth. Second, what the heck is Hogwarts?"

Emmett held his cell phone high up in the air and began giggling madly.

Alice rolled her eyes at him. "You didn't have to take it literally Em. But seriously. What is Hogwarts?"

Emmett rolled hiseyes at Alice. "The magic school these people go to, duh! It said all about it in the instruction manual."

Eight people turned to look at him. "There was an instruction manual?"

"Yeah," he said. "The man told me I should pass them…oh…Uh…" he laughed nervously. "About that…"

"Emmett," said Rosalie in a falsely sweet voice. "Where are the instruction manuals?"

"Oh, I got bored and I…Um…I don't have them anymore…" he said quickly, hiding what could have the world's largest paper doll chain behind his back.

"Really?" said Edward. "How do you suppose we know what to do, now?"

"What I always do. Just wing it!"

Everyone glared at him.

"And…uh…listen to my overly long story about what I read in the manuals!" He went in to a long, and mostly pointless story, which mostly was comprised of the words: 'Magic', 'Hogwarts', 'Wizards' 'Boarding School' and 'Sorrydon'tkillmeifeelbadaboutthemanuals'.

"You mean to tell me that I am the headmaster?" Jasper asked.

"Yes?"

"And I'm a Potions Master?" Esme clarified.

"Yes?"

"And I am nut that has no friends?!" Rosalie screamed.

Emmett laughed. "Yeah, that one I'm sure of."

Emmett, afraid of what might happen next if they stayed here, quickly lead the way to Kings Cross Station. Thinking all the while to himself, _Some things really shouldn't be said out loud. _


	4. I'm Invisible

_A/N: I know, its been two weeks. I'm sorry! I've had mountains of homework. And, last weekend I postponed everything to go see Shannon Hale. She was the funniest, nicest author I've ever met. If you guys have the chance to meet her you should do it! So…here it is Chapter Three. Enjoy!_

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Chapter Three: I'm Invisible

Part I

The Hogwarts Express was nearly to Hogsmead station, though none of the occupants of the crowed compartment would have known that. Many would have thought the occupants would have known, but they were wrong. Oh, so wrong. These people were only pretending to be wizards. Only pretending to know about magic and Hogwarts and what the heck was going on. They were all under the influence of polyjuice potion, and had taken the form of wizards they were scrambling to find facts about.

"How am I supposed to run a school?!" shouted Jasper.

"Run a school?" Esme scoffed. "How am I supposed to teach kids to make potions?"

"How am I supposed to play Quidditch?!" Edward demanded.

"How am I supposed to be…mean?" asked Carlisle.

Rosalie laughed at them. "You think you've got it bad? Look at my hair!"

"Your hair?" Alice screamed. "Look at mine!"

"Oh, its not like your hair was much better before." Rosalie pointed out.

"I…well…you! Ugh!" Alice retorted.

"Okay. Shut up!" Emmett yelled. "Everyone be quiet!!" Everyone stopped arguing for a moment and turned to look at Emmett. "None of your problems matter! The real question is… How am I supposed to wear anything fashionable with this hideous, red hair?"

Everyone began talking at once. Saying things like, "What do you know about fashion?" and "How is fashion more important than this?!" But, unexpectedly, or at least unexpectedly to them, the train stopped.

People began filing out of compartments and onto the platform. The Cullen's followed, unsure of what would happen next. They managed, somehow, to exit the train undetected. But, as Jasper led the way to where he thought the school was located everyone turned to stare.

"Is that…?" asked someone.

"No. It couldn't be…could it?" said another.

"Professor…?"

"Dumbledore? Yeah, I think it is!"

"Of coarse it is, you morons!" shouted a rather large seventh year boy.

"But…" one girl stammered. "What is he doing here? On the Hogwarts Express?"

"Oh, I don't know…" the seventh year student replied. "Maybe, you know, going to Hogwarts? But, don't count on it. I'm probably wrong." He said sarcastically.

As people whispered about him, or rather, who they thought he was, Jasper walked purposefully and dutifully toward the school. The rest of the Cullens trailed behind him.

As Jasper entered the large oak front doors he bumped into a frantic witch dressed in emerald green robes.

"Oh Albus," she breathed. "Thank goodness your finally here!"

"Albus?" Jasper asked.

"Yes," replied Minerva McGonagall "Albus." She turned to Esme, "And Severus, I'm so glad you finally decided to show up."

Esme look to both sides and, realizing the Professor was talking to her, nodded. "Oh…um…yes."

"Well, come with me Albus, Severus," she said then turned on her heel and left.

Jasper shrugged, beckoned to Esme and then followed Minerva McGonagall down the hall and out of sight.

The other Cullen followed the mass of students into the Great Hall. As the students settled into their seats they all looked up at Jasper.

After a long pause Jasper realized they were waiting for him to say something. He stood up. "Uh…Welcome? There are…uh…a lot of things I'd…um…like to say. But, uh, I'm kinda hungry so…um…lets eat!" he said quickly sitting down.

Food appeared on the plates. Students and teacher began talking and eating. But all Jasper could do was sit there and hope he would turn invisible. When dinner was over he'd probably have to talk again and he defiantly was not ready for that. This was going to be a very long school year.

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_A/N: What you guys think? Was it worth the two week wait? Oh, and there is a poll on my profile about this story. You guys need to go check it out and vote! Also, I think I'm taking Neville/Jacob out of this. There isn't much I can do with him. Review you guys! You know you want to click that green button. _


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